Motherhood - two years on

Next week Little Miss S will be two which means two whole years of motherhood for moi! Well, let me tell you that it feels like I've been a mother my whole life. My brain cannot possibly process the fact that there were times when I was child free. 

Was there ever a time when I was able to sleep till noon on weekends? Was there ever a time when evening out did not have to be pre-planned a month in advance? Was I ever able to walk around my house without stepping on a crayon and nearly breaking my neck? Was there ever a time when making a decision did not involve me being left feeling guilty no matter which choice I made? Was it ever possible to devote my full and undivided attention to an adult conversation without wondering what is my child up to at the moment? Was I ever allowed to be a little selfish and self-indulgent? Did I actually buy those Louboutins or was that just a dream... When did I start preferring Mothercare to Selfridges? What did I do with all that free time? How did I live without my little darling? 

Motherhood is the most amazing thing in the world, but it's also hard. Yes, hard. No one ever tells you that it will be hard. Yes, you hear about sleepless nights, but that's just one tiny little aspect of motherhood. It is hard because no one ever teaches you about it. It's not like you can get internship at Motherhood HQ, is it? So every single decision that you make about your child is purely based on your own instincs (or Google). And God forbid, if for some reason the decision you make works out to be the wrong one, or is criticised by someone else, then you are left with one ginormous feeling of guilt. Oh yes, guilt goes hand in hand with love in motherhood. You decide to go out for the evening - feeling guilty, you decide to go to work - feeling guilty, you leave your child in front of Peppa the Pig so you can get some things done - feeling guilty, you decide not to take your child to a playgroup because it is pissing down with rain and you just cannot be bothered - feeling extremely guilty. The list goes on and on and on. I've never put so much thought into making decisions like I do now, because I now have future and well being of my child in my hands, and trust me, this can be a very daunting thing. 

Add tantrums, colds and sore tummies into an equation and it sometimes surprises me how us parents still manage to survive without loosing the plot (wine helps!). We brush off biscuit crumbs from our tops or houmous from our shoes (goodbye my gorgeous DKNY flats...), put on straight faces (or even a smile) and just soldier on. Being a parent one certainly has to learn to remain calm (no swearing in front of a child...I am still mastering that) and we do, but trust me, there underneath all that calmness, ocassionaly (often) there is a parent who is just about to explode! The main thing remains though, no matter what, motherhood (or parenthood) is the most incredible thing in the world. I cannot remeber the days when I loved and laughed so much. Or felt so proud! 

Cheers to a lifetime of motherhood! 

 

Second summer together!

I am a big girl now!

I just had a thought that this is Little Miss S's second summer in this world (although it seems that she has been in our lives forever). However, they seem to be so different regardless of a fact that we did pretty much the same things (holidays, barbecues, parks).

Last summer Little Miss S was a baby and this summer she is a fully established toddler.
Last summer she was very content with just playing on her mat (be it in the garden, park or beach) and this year we are very lucky if she sits still for five minutes without any bribery.

Last summer we (parents) had time for afternoon drinks in the sunshine whilst Little Miss S was happily napping in her pram, this summer I got soaked in sticky strawberry cider because I made an error of misjudging the distance between my glass and my child. She likes to remove everything from the table.

Last summer shopping for clothes in the actual shops where I could browse through things and try them on was still possible. This summer I know I only have fifteen minutes, so I mastered the art of walking quickly into a shop and scanning through all the items like a robot, then picking up something that caught my eye, paying for it and dashing out before the all-mighty tantrum begins (are they allowed tantrums before they even reach two?!). There is no time to think about the purchase or try and see whether I can find something better.

Last summer we could walk for hours whilst Little Miss S would sit happily in her pram, this summer she wants to push her pram by herself and there is no stopping her. On many occasions I would find myself walking past cute little shops without being able to go in there because my precious little darling wants to carry on pushing her pram forward!

Last summer I thought that giving your child chips is a crime, this summer they come as a 'life saver', if Hubby and I want to be able to enjoy our al fresco lunch.

Last summer white jeans were still possible, this summer - only for child-free evenings out.

Last summer was the best summer ever - and so is this summer.

City Love and What We Wore

Our 'office' for today. Oasis of calm in London

 

Sunny and warm days like the ones we are having in London at the moment, make you really appreciate and enjoy the city. Motherhood just intensified my thoughts about not wanting to relocate anywhere with 'more space and fresh air'. When Little Miss S was born, Hubby and I entertained the idea about buying a converted barn 'somewhere in the countryside' or maybe even building our own house (too many Grand Designs quite clearly). You know, local village, nice views, fresh air, lots of space for Little Miss S to play, couple more dogs (at one point Hubby mentioned horses...he must have been drunk). Anyway, so I kind of enjoyed that idea for a while *picturing myself baking cookies in the Aga*.  Children make you want to change for the better and seek perfection. They 'make you' buy eco friendly floor polish and look for places with minimal air pollution (seriously)... 19 months on and no amount of space will make we want to leave the joys shops and bars  of London behind. I've always been a city girl (with a substantial dose of beach holidays thrown in). Due to my dads work, I had a chance to live in a few countries and I always enjoyed the buzz that only a big city can bring. Our apartment in Kiev was located right in the centre (probably equivalent to living near Regent's Street). I thoroughly enjoyed being next to all the restaurants, theatres, shops, galleries and food markets. Life was happening right on our door step and it was great. Therefore, I enjoy London and now that we have our toddling toddler, there are so many wonderful parks and places to explore. Motherhood just reaffirmed my belief that I want to stay here and if we do decide to move, it will be more central rather than out. Oh, and as for more space - I just about manage to look after our own garden (which consists of a huge decking and some grass and trees). More dogs - as much as I love the creatures, no thanks. It would just make it quite impossible to go out for a walk (child in one hand, dog in another). Air in the parks also seems to be fresh enough and we can always go away for long weekend (just a thought).

On another note, this is what we wore:

 

Top: Asos
Jeans: 7 for All Mankind
Scarf: Ted Baker
Moccasins: Geox

Little Miss S wore:

Hat: Vertbaudet
Cardigan: Zara
Top and shorts: M&S
Shoes: Bobux

If you are a mummy and live in London, then it is worth checking London Mothers Club for some ideas on various meet ups in town.

Thoughts ... and Apple Tart 'Maman Blanc'

Where is my supper, mummy?

I was browsing through a couple of Lithuanian magazines that mum brought with her (for me) when she was visiting, one interesting quote caught my eye. The protagonist of the article was saying how important her children are to her and how much she tried to protect them from pain during the divorce. When times got really difficult she went to see a psychologist. She expressed her desire to help her children and he said, "Have a look at the instructions on the plane during the emergency landing - put on your oxygen mask first before helping your child". Genius! I just thought this was such a brilliant comparison. I see it like this. Before trying to help or guide your child you need to be in a fit state to do so. This doesn't just have to be applied in extreme situations like divorce. It could be used in everyday life. In the whole core notion of upbringing. I think that, unconsciously, that is what all parents are trying to do anyway. Trying to be the best at everything. Trying to improve themselves. Trying to set examples. You cannot teach another person something that you know nothing about.

Very simple comparison (nothing too deep) - cooking. As a child I always relied on my mum's cooking. She is an outstanding cook. As got got older, I developed fond memories of our meal times. I always knew and know now that mum can prepare something out of nothing. My childhood experiences shaped  a belief that mum is a person who will always feed you (forget feminism, sexism or anything like that here ... it's all about precious childhood memories).

In pre-baby days I was not the greatest cook. I always used to leave it to either My Hubby or Mr Chef at whatever restaurant we were eating out. Once Little Miss S was born, I had to become the one that my daughter could rely upon for feeding. I was frightened. I wanted to do everything just right. More so, I wanted to be perfect at cooking just like my mum. I cook everything from scratch so it has been a bit of a learning curve, but I think I did fine (minus a few burnt carrots at the beginning).

Over a year on and I developed a huge passion for cooking (sometimes I still have to pinch myself...is this really me?). And it's not just cooking for Little Miss S. It's cooking for everyone. Oh, and baking! Baking, in my eyes, was reserved for perfect 'grown-up' women with immaculate houses who had everything under perfect control (country cottage, Aga and Cath Kidston apron basically). My baking, in pre-baby days, was done by a good friends called Waitrose and Patisserie Valerie. Not anymore.

Here is one I made earlier. My mum phoned and said that she has this amazing recipe for super delicious tart and that I should try it. My mum is my greatest adviser on food. She has impeccable taste in food and yet she has been same size Tiny all her life. So she must be making all the right choices!

I absolutely love tarte tatin, but Apple tart 'Maman Blan' (Raymond Blanc) is a new competitor. It's like a skinnier and more elegant version of tarte tatin. It literary melts in your mouth. Oh, and it is actually very easy to prepare even though you cannot cheat and have to make your own pastry (my 'old self' would have given up by now).

You will find the full recipe here. I used Braeburn apples and didn't use calvados as Little Miss S also tried this it (and loved it!).

tarte tatin

My perfect little girl!

My Little Miss S now gives me a proper kiss when I say "kiss kiss". She know how to do 'round and round the garden', she loves 'head, shoulders, knees and toes', she brings me her sticker book when asked, she points to her shoes when I say "mano batai buvo du" (I had two shoes - in Lithuanian), she points at things if she wants something, she says "daddy, dog, mama", "niam niam" - when she sees food (a Lithuanian expression) and "nite nite" when she goes to bed. She loves doing 'shake shake wiggle wiggle'. She is My clever little girl. Daddy thinks she is an absolute genius. He just cannot believe how much she knows. Daddy hasn't got clue about 'development milestones', he doesn't see other toddlers at her play group. All he sees is his healthy happy child and that's all that matters. I took a leaf out of his book and started doing the same, because although your conscious mind knows that every child is different, your 'stupid' mind cannot help but compare sometimes. She is nearly 18 months or 16 and a bit corrected (she was born early). It used to be rather frustrating before she started crawling and walking, because she would 'reach her milestones' (hate this expression, it's like reaching targets at work!!) slightly later than other children of her actual age. "Oh, how old is she?", "14 months", "Oh, not walking yet?", "No, and now fuck off". Well, I wouldn't actually say that (although sometimes I would like to). I would just say "no" and leave it at that. Sometimes you just don't want to go through the whole 'she was born early' palaver. Sometimes you don't feel the need to share it with everyone (contradictory then that I write about it here, but I see this as my space). Actually, I stopped seeing my child as a premature child long time ago, if ever. Actually, I'm not a fan of word 'premature'! It is like labelling someone. I'm not a fan of word 'normal' either, because what the hell is that supposed to mean? She is just my child. My perfect girl.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

My daughter




Mother and daughter 

I've been giving Little Miss S her evening cuddles before putting her to bed every night. These are the most special and most enjoyable moments. As she was laughing away with no care in the world, more troublesome thoughts crossed my mind. As for every parent, their child is most precious thing in the world. She is my Little Me and she is Daddy's Little me (female version of course). I can only hope that she will stay so genuinely happy and carefree for as long as possible.

I hope that no one will hurt her for as long as possible
And if, in the future, someone will hurt her, she will have the strength to 'brush it off'.
I hope she will be content with who is she is, and where she came from and only have the best memories of her upbringing, because mummy and daddy only did their best.
I hope she will be confident enough to think that she is 'perfect' without coming across as 'self-absorbed', because mummy and daddy think she is perfect.
I hope she will be kind to herself and others.
I hope, one day when she realises that people aren't perfect, she will still have the ability to see 'best in them', and realise that those who love - they try to do their best.
I hope that she will listen to her parents, even if it is with 'one ear', because once you grow up and have your own children you do realise that your parents (and grandparents) were right.
I hope she will like her name.
I hope she will look back on her childhood and think it was the best - filled with love.
I hope she will be able to confide in her mum and dad because no one else can give you more impartial, honest advice.
I hope that she will understand the fact that 'we are all different' and it would be quite boring if we were all the same.
I hope that she is not afraid to question things. Better ask than not understand.
I hope she is not going to be pushed by the 'society' to become something she doesn't want to be. As cliche as it sounds 'be true to yourself'! :)
I hope that when she tries something and she doesn't like it, she will have the strength to start all over again. You only live once.
I hope she will be blessed with true and honest friends who will accept her as she is.
I hope she will have big dreams, but will not be disappointed if not all of them come true. Sometimes 'having it all' does not equal happiness.
I hope she will know that 'not all things that glitter are gold'.
I hope she will take care of herself. You always need to start with yourself.
I hope she will laugh a lot. Genuinely laugh.
I hope she gets inspired a lot.
I hope she doesn't get pressured into doing something she doesn't like.
I hope she is happy with her body.
I hope she doesn't get frustrated if she is not the best at maths or physics. Wise and clever are too different things and a lot of times wise wins!
I hope she doesn't get frustrated if occasionally she fails at her exams. Just pick yourself up and try again. No one has died.
I hope she reads a lot of books and lets her imagination 'go wild'.
I hope she will always be very much LOVED and never lonely. Because she is!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad